Ashkenazi

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    One of the two main flavors of Jews, Asheknazi Jews hail from Europe, typical Eastern Europeans countries like Poland and the Ukraine. An inbred bunch, Ashkenazi Jews are believed by some to come from just a few hundred people who remained in medieval europe after generations of persecution. This helps the myriad of genetic diseases Asheknazi Jews carry, as well as a decent propensity for mental illness and an attraction to become mental health professionals.

    Ashkenazi Jews have very large metaphorical brains, and have traditionally celebrated education and studiousness. (Sefaradi Jews prefer celebrating having money) A disproportionate number of Ashkenazi Jews can be found in academia and in nobel prize winning activities.

    They are largely secular, since Orthodox Jews are too busy to trouble themselves with the minutiae of everyday science, preferring to dwell in the ethereal spirituality of 3,000 year old books, but never failing to take credit for the successes of their secular counterparts whenever possible.

    For people who experienced a lot of oppression, Ashkenazi Jews are surprisingly elitist, with Orthodox Ashkenazi Jews largely excluding their sepharadi counterparts from their religious institutions or marrying their daughters.

    When pressed on the issue, Ashkenazi Jews will vehemently deny this, and claim that all Jews are equally important even though the average Sefaradi Jew has more in common with a brown Middle Eastern Arab than they do with a white, pure blooded European Ashkenazi. We’re all equally in the eyes of God, and the presence of the word Nazi at the end of Ashkenazi is purely coincidental.

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