Good news: if you have money, even being A Good Jew in The Eyes of God™ is easier.

Instead of slaving away getting your house clean for Passover, just sell your house to a non-Jew (awesome loophole, Rabbis!) and go to the nearest tropical resort you can find. There, you can enjoy a five star experience that is Approved in The Eyes of God and Man while being entertained by the most inspiring Rabbis money can buy. Wouldn’t want any of that inspiration running dry, would you now.

Because sometimes, Judaism is all about the letter of the law.

Do I own any leavened bread today? No, because somehow one sorry Arab bought all of the city’s bread at the same time.

Is this the live hair of a married woman you are seeing? (the horror!) No, I cut it off and made it into a wig, mothefucker.

Am I carrying outside the zone on Shabbat? Nope, because see those telephone poles?

Did I just make an interest payment on a loan? No, because of that sign on that wall.

And other times, it’s all about the spirit.

Can you have all of your lights and TV and coffee maker automated on Shabbat? Nope, because you’d be missing the point.

Can you fuck a married woman using a condom, since condoms are like, totally spilling seed? Nope, because dude, you’re hitting the point.

Can a woman have a slit in her dress if it doesn’t show any prohibited skin? C’mon! It’s all about whether she’s arousing men, not what part of the body is actually showing.

When does the distinction get made? No one knows for sure. Or, more accurately, “the Rabbis are in disagreement on the subject”. In reality? This is just another expression of social norms – some things just made it in, others are still taboo.

Stop pretending this is part of some higher order and admit you’re just a bunch of fucking people trying to make sense out of life by arbitrarily following a certain set of rules – rules that still evolve, just in a different way than anyone else would call normal.

You claim to be resistant to change, preserving the ways of tradition. In reality you look nothing like Jews, or Judaism, or Israel looked like in the past – you just evolve at your own glacial pace, with your own stupid justifications.

You’re at least as dumb as everybody else.

After a certain Rabbi I knew all too well came out publicly as having had an affair with a married woman, while also reassuring people that there was no “actual transgression” involved due to the absence of penis-in-vagina penetration (can’t remember the exact bullshit language), I reposed this book cover with the following divrey chizuk:

Raboisay. In light of recent events, rachmana litzlan, it’s worth bringing up a recent point I’ve made so eloquently and humbly in the past. As we all know, sometimes it’s the most obvious points that need chizuk, especially if you’re delusional.

Religion is used as a supposed framework for morality:
“Who are we to trust ourselves? To know what’s right?

We need guidance! We need direction! We need clarification!

How many grams of cheese can fall into your cholent before you become a morally repugnant person? How many days old does a fetus need to be for it to be called a murderous abortion? Tell us, oh Torah written when we still thought the sun revolves around us. You know best.

In fact, the opposite is true:

When you look to a book to define what is wrong and right, it’s much easier to engage in the mental acrobatics we all do to justify your behaviors. It’s one thing to rationalize your shit, we all do that. It’s another to have God’s book on your side backing up your hair-splitting insights.

Let’s all take it upon ourselves to be mischazek in speaking as yeshivishly as possible and also not being total fucking idiots about what we KNOW is wrong or right, bullshit religious justifications notwithstanding.

V’hameivin yovin. 

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