Parenting 101


I must go now, children. But there is cereal in the pantry and I made a list on the fridge of 613 things I’d like you to keep in mind while I’m gone. I’ll be back in 2,000 years. Feel free to interpret my points as you see fit. I don’t care what you conclude as long as you’re arguing about me and not anyone else.

For I am a jealous God. A vengeful God. A loving God. Slow to anger and quick to forgive.  But it’s 2,000 years later and I’m still fuming. I gotta stay away until you figure your shit out. Everyone knows the more a child misbehaves, the more you should shun them.

I’m not sure why I missed this until now. Goes to show how deeply this fucked up attitude permeated my subconscious.

God is our Father in Heaven. He parents us like the world’s best parent. The dude invented parenting.

And, apparently, when you really fuck up, God’s gotta show you some tough love. Gotta “hide His face”. Gotta send you into exile. How else will you learn, if not through pervasive cross generational trauma? Sheesh.

Actually, no.

It’s an understood, and sometimes frustrating fact, that the more problematic children need more attention.

More dedicated staff. Smaller class sizes. Positive reinforcement. Modeling good behavior.

It’s understood, that kids don’t want to behave badly. They just don’t know any other way, or they have an underlying problem that is causing them to act out. To address their behavior, you should address the root problem.

How’s God’s intervention plan going? Does the patient’s treatment chart say “Try to be as absent as possible, for as long as possible ?”

Because in that case he’s crushing it.

Why does he not hand the clarity to us on a silver platter? Why didn’t he just create make us good?

Because, apparently, then it would be too easy. Where’s the fun in that? It’s much more satisfying to earn your reward.

Well, any video game creator will tell you that the key to satisfaction when playing the game it to strike a balance between difficulty and success. If the player is constantly failing, it’s no fun for anyone, and they soon move on.

Ask any spiritual leader how well the world is doing in this game of life, and the one thing they all agree on is that we’re failing miserably. For thousands of years. “The world is spiraling into moral depravity! It’s the worst it’s ever been! Insert latest news headline here.”

That is one shitty computer game.  If we all suck this bad, maybe it’s time for the artificial intelligence to reduce the game difficulty a bit.

Look, I don’t believe in God, at least not in a useful God that’s in any way relevant.

But to those who do, who believe he’s a parent who has crafted the ultimate personal development simulation for our ultimate pleasure, look around you.

Would you dare model your own parenting style after God’s absentee, cryptic, long-distance approach?

Maybe this was the attitude for thousands of years. Maybe traditionally that was how children were raised. But today, with our modern psychology and our weak temperments and our moral depravity, we know better.

We know that positivity wins every time. So we can’t parent our children the way God parents us.

He’s still stuck in the middle ages. He hasen’t read “How to talk so kids will listen”. So, in His feeble attempts at parenting, he continues to smite in the hopes that it helps.

But we’ve been to parenting class. We’ve read all the latest research. We’re too good for that.

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