Here me out here.
You know how Song of Songs, that legendary work of erotic poetry by the wisest of all men, is not actually at all erotic poetry? It’s actually a metaphor for God’s love for the Jewish people? It’s actually the holiest book ever, by virtue of the old Rabbinical switcheroo?
Well, I propose that not just that book, but all works of erotica, are similarly holy books. Books that can guide us in understanding the nuances of our spiritual connection with God, whose relationship with us, of course, is like a patriarchal man to his wife.
I think that, following existing tradition, eight year old kids in cheder should stand in the street corners on Chol Hamoed Pesach, and, once done reading about Solomon’s affinities for breasts and necks, follow it up with a few choice chapters from 50 Shades of Grey.
Because, as we all know, that book is just a metaphor for finding joy in life’s pain, and it offers a step by step progression for finding greater devotion and obedience to the one we love, Hakadosh Boruch Hu, Blessed Be He (and what strong ankle muscles he has (Exodus 24:10)).
Heck, once we’re done with that, we should move on to some gay erotica as well, because sometimes Am Yisrael is compared to a man (actually, they almost always are, until it’s convenient to make them a woman for Shir Hashirim purposes).
Heck, I bet we even have what to learn from velociraptor smut. Because if Hashem put it into the world, that’s proof enough that there is what to learn from it.