Lights Out


In 1946, following the holocaust, a highly unusual event occurred, one that involved, for the first time in history, the unification of different sects of Judaism. Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform rabbis met together at Steglitz-Zehlendorf in West Berlin; the conference later became known as the Steglitz-Zehlendorf Conference.

The pressing topic at hand: solving The Jewish Problem. Not, as in the anti-Semitic Jewish problem of “how do we get rid of the Jews?” but as in, the problem faced by Jews of “how do we get the hell out of here?”

Jews had been suffering for millennia. It was their specialty. They had conveniently woven suffering into their core philosophy; the hallmark of being the chosen people is apparently being shat on by man and God on a regular basis.

But all, from sidelock festooned Orthodox Rabbi to boob endowed reform “Rabbi” could agree that God had most definitely gone too far with this holocaust thing.

“I mean, a pogrom? Certainly!” Rabbi Moses Feignkrautz famously exclaimed. “A few thousand here and there? By all means. But six million?”

So they joined minds. Brilliant minds, sharpened with years of Talmud study, endless theological debate, and loophole creation skills that could stretch time and space. They joined minds and came up with the ultimate solution.

Working title: The Final Final Solution.

(The 5th Avenue agency of Schwartz, Cohen & Eisenberg were commissioned to develop a catchy permanent name for the project. Most likely an acronym with a J at the beginning.)

The core message of the program went something like this: Fuck This Shit.

To elaborate: it was understood by all that God had created Jews as His Special People in order that they be a Light Unto The Nations. The nations, however, seemed not the least bit interested in Light. Not Germany, with its concentration camps and medical experiments. Not Japan with its atrocities and its medical experiments. Not America with its indifference and its internment camps. Everyone, and I mean everyone, seemed content to live in the Dark.

The core message of the program went something like this: Fuck This Shit.

The Jews had tried it all. They had tried allowing Christians to hyphenate themselves between the words Judeo and Values. They had tried controlling world media through an international conspiracy of old Rabbis. They had tried loving their neighbors as themselves, as long as their neighbors were Jews. All to no avail.

They were done. This world of sorrow and suffering from the moment of birth was showing zero signs of improvement, and God seemed reluctant to do any of the heavy lifting whatsoever. The Jews, at this point, had bigger gefilte fish to fry, and God was welcome assume the wheel of the Tikkun Olam Train Wreck on His own.

The details of the Final Final Solution were genius in their simplicity. There would be no need for mass suicides, forceful extractions of souls before their time, or tearful goodbyes. No. This would be (mostly) painless. On the eighth day of life, during the sacred traditional ceremony when Jewish newborn boy gets his genitals mutilated, the Mohel would simply shift his focus a few inches lower.

Snip snip. More foreskin, less sperm.

More pleasurable sex, less painful reproduction.

The Mohels were sent to continuing education courses focused on newborn vasectomies.

The blessing was slightly modified. “Blessed are you, God, master of the universe, who was too preoccupied somewhere else when we really needed a hand, and who commanded us to mutilate babies. Amen.”

The world took offense, suddenly. Of course they did. So like the world to do that.

“This is exactly what Hitler tried to do!”

Indeed. The Jews realized this. But here were a few key distinctions, honed from centuries of making key distinctions.

  1. Whereas Hitler just tried, we will succeed!
  2. Whereas Hitler tried against our will, we actually will it (newborn baby opinions aside, we never cared for those anyway)
  3. Whereas Hitler attempted our destruction us a ‘fuck you’ to us, we undertake this holy endeavor as a ‘fuck you’ to Hitler.

This last point was the real clincher. No Jew ever missed an opportunity for a good “fuck you”.

It took a few generations. There was no fanfare or smokestacks or mass graves. The Jews continued to amass wealth and control the media until the very end.

And at the very end they left it all to the nations. Knock yourself out, bubales. Buy yourself something nice.

You, who don’t give a shit about light.

About neighbors. About wrong and right.

About the sanctity of life.

We were too good for you anyways.

Have a good night.

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