The Penis Gemach

Pictured: A Jewish man examines a poster advertising Eliyahu Yehoshua's Weiner.

I originally wrote this post while I was still religious, and published it under a pseudonym on Jewrotica. At this point, gentlemen, I have nothing to hide.

Berel Shtiklwitz was an entrepreneur. A social entrepreneur, to be exact.

He recognized a need: a lot of seminary girls out there were horny but didn’t know it. A lot yeshiva students were horny and did know it.

Berel decided to bring the two together in horny matrimony. Or at least a one night shtup.

Berel founded the Penis Gemach in of the basement of his parents’ apartment, under the light of a single bare light bulb and a stained, worn-out couch. But although it started off small, the Penis Gemach grew to remarkable sizes in a short period of time.

Illustrative photo of a banana, in case you didn’t know what a banana looked like.

People took to the concept like Gefilte fish to water, and soon Berel was setting up branches in other cities – it seemed there was no shortage of volunteer penises available to borrow: for a week, a day, or just one afternoon.

On Thursday nights, hundreds of seminary girls would throng hungrily through the streets of Jerusalem’s city center, knowing deep inside them there was something they needed but not knowing from whence that need would be satiated. It was then that Berel’s selflessness really stood out, as he ushered dozens of needy girls towards his Mobile Penis Gemach – a simple system that could be erected pretty much everywhere, since it rode on the back of a moped.

Berel was a zealous promoter of the Penis Gemach, lending out his own penis whenever possible, sometimes to multiple seminary girls simultaneously. He served a personal example of altruism and self-sacrifice for the sake of other. [Or as Martin Buber would have it, he was able to see beyond the I of his own penis ownership to the thou of the seminary girls’ desire. This, Buber suggests, is where real relations are formed.]

The next step in the growth of the Penis Gemach was the digital revolution. Berel set up a cataloguing system that sorted penises based on size, shape, and color, with their most suitable beneficiary- based on physical appearance, good looks, and level of religious piety.

No longer would yeshiva students need to vent their potential in dark and dreary internet cafes. Now they could point their penises towards positive purpose – making seminary girls happy! Everyone knows that the four hours a day spent in seminary can get really stressful, especially if one has to engage in the strenuous exercise of not thinking – at a level of skill second only to that of Buddhist monks.

The Penis Gemach allowed the seminary girls to vent some of that stress. And they could feel good about themselves in the process, knowing that it was through them that the yeshiva boys were able to accomplish an important act of Hessed – Hebrew for lovin’ kindness.

Now, it should be mentioned that all throughout, a strict standard of modesty was kept between the sexes. Berel was adamant about this fact. No unnecessary talking or joking was allowed between the guys and the gals, because we all know that no one knows what sorts of immoral conduct can result if things like that get out of hand.

This was strictly business. Penis business. (Not actual business of course, because orthodox society frowns upon business. But rather, a figurative business, in the sense that score was kept, measurements recorded and seed capital was raised.)

To help preserve the purity of the camp, cameras were set up in the multiple Gemach locations to ensure that no improper behavior occurred. The footage from these cameras was disseminated worldwide in a crowdsourcing system that ensured that there were always multiple people keeping an eye on the proceedings. These individuals often made small donation to the Gemach when they were done observing – out of appreciation for the fine work it was doing.

Berel soon found himself thrust into a tremendous amount of public limelight. People all over the world wanted to know where he developed such an original idea (“it just grew naturally”), how his success had occurred (“things just exploded pretty early on”), what sort of positions he assumed in his role (“whatever came most naturally”). Pretty soon the gentiles were setting up their own sad, sorry attempts at Genital Gemachs.

But it was clear that something was missing. A certain oomph. An extra push. That uniquely Jewish penchant for philanthropy. Whatever it was, one thing was clear: the Jews did it first and the Jews do it best. Berel is the first to acknowledge that although size doesn’t matter, his Penis Gemach is still one of the biggest non-profits in the world.

And ultimately, Berel agrees that his mission is a universal one. In his utopian vision for humanity, there would not be a girl in the world who would be without a penis of her own, to have, to hold, to love. Even if only once, even for just one Shabbos night.

Until that happens though, we must suffice ourselves with the knowledge that at least some seminary girls are getting their comeuppance; and that, as we collectively march, single file, along The Path of the Just towards the arrival of The Messiah and the final coming, there are many other willing penis owners bringing up the rear.

Facebook Comments