The Tree of Undisclosed Fruit


In the beginning, God created throat cancer and eye parasites and rivers for people to drown in. And He saw that it was mighty swell.

“You see that tree?” asks God.

“Yes,” says Adam, squinting.

“Don’t eat from it.”


“Because I said so,” said God, beginning to lose his everlasting patience. “It’s The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you eat from it, you’ll know what is and isn’t good for you. You’ll know the true nature of throat cancer, and that I created you without any clothes on, as a prank (the angels can’t stop laughing at your pathetic dick).”

“And what if I do eat from it anyway?” inquires Adam.

“It would be very, very bad.”

“What’s ‘bad’?”, asks Adam. Although he speaks Hebrew fluently, that word is unfamiliar.

“Just shut up,” says God.

Fast forward to all of five minutes later. A lot has happened. There’s ladies. There’s talking snakes. There’s illicit snacking.

“Do you realize how bad you’ve been?” shrieks God, absentmindedly destroying the dinosaurs in his fury.

“I do now,” says Adam. “Retroactively.”

God takes a deep heavenly breath and counts to seven, his favorite number. It’s gonna be a long 6,000 years.

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