Oh boy, let me fill you in.
The literal definition of Baal Teshuva means “master of repentance/return”. The broad implication being that they are “returning” to something they have lost, namely their religion, spiritual identity, etc.
Inherent in the term Baal Teshuva is the implication that one’s previous life was sinful, and that one has repented from said sins.
Jewish culture is divided on the topic of the social hierarchy of the Baal Teshuva – when convenient, it will shower the person with praise for the merit and courageousness, as the Talmud says “In the place where a Baal Teshuva stands, a fully righteous person cannot stand”.
In reality though, Baal Teshuvas are treated like half-baked religious people, and indeed they often are half-baked. The Orthodox Jewish community is not famous for its open-mindedness and inclusivity. At the same time, they do derive a certain self-justification from the presence of Baal Teshuvas in their midst: “See, even secular people who grew up eating cheeseburgers and going to nightclubs now acknowledge that their was were empty and devoid of meaning and that absolute truth lies with us.”
And so, Baal Teshuvas, or Baalei Teshuva as they sometimes known, are tolerated. It is impossible to adopt all the myriad of nuances and cultural intricacies that are part of any insular community, when you enter that community in adulthood. Many Baalei Teshuva also hold on to certain values from their past secular lvies – they are more liberally minded, or better educated, or have sinful hobbies like musical instruments or sports. They are not able to completely erase their past, and as such never completely fit in.
Their children often fare even worse – an adult can choose how much they integrate into a society. A child is forced to fully conform, and when you parent is a Baal Teshuva, there is a lot that you are just not able to align with. Your parents can’t help you with homework. They don’t relate to your struggles in school because they didn’t’ go to a religious school. And they often commit social faux-pas that mortify the child without even being aware of it.
Moreover, one has to ask themselves, “what causes a person to become a Baal Teshuva?”. It is a rapid departure from the way a person was raised, and it often involves buying into hard-line conservative worldviews that are grounded in primitive thinking that does not align with science or social progress. (I once heard the definition of the Bible as ‘The Goat Herder’s Guide to the Galaxy’) This is often an indication of a deeper problem.
In my experience, and I’ve had a lot of it, Baalei Teshuva are idealistic and deep feeling people who feel a void in their life and seek to fill with something outside of themselves. Spirituality can often seem appealing at first glance, but the reality is that religion does not provide enough tools for internal self growth – it merely props things up in a certain stagnant way that can look like stability if you squint hard enough.
If somebody really did have the tools for personal growth, they wouldn’t need to become religious, and if they did, their religion would be very different. It is impossible to be compassionate and accepting of others while also believing that they are going to hell for not having the exact same belief systems you do.
This was my perspective as a child of Baal Teshuva parents: they had no idea what they were doing. This did not know the impact of the schools they were sending us to, or where those schools stood within the subculture of Orthodox society. They did not know how to converse with our teachers, and they could not really understand what my siblings and I struggled with in those institutions.
They parroted to us mantras that had been fed to them, and we often could see the hypocrisy in their behavior – saying things that they did not believe in and which they certainly did not act upon. They said they were fully committed to Orthodoxy, but they had a computer in the house, gave us secular books, and had a job. They said they valued Torah study above all, but we saw how they treated the rich donors they would fundraise from. They claimed to have the secrets of happiness and meaning, and we saw them struggle with rage, anxiety, and absenteeism.
Some of their hypocrisies I am grateful for. My life would be completely different if they hadn’t insisted on me learning English, or encouraged me to get a degree. This still created a divide between myself and Orthodox society. They represented the no-man’s-land that was having one foot in each culture.
To any adult who wants to become a Baal Teshuva: it is your right as an adult. As for your children, this is something they never asked for.