Shit People Teach in the Name of Religion

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I recently crowdsourced a list of things people had been told or taught during their stint with Orthodox Judaism. None of these are my own. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

I’ve organized it by topic to make it easier to digest and jump to your favorite topics.

As usual, even within Orthodoxy, there is a spectrum of beliefs, and some would recoil at some of these ideas. But someone out there is teaching this stuff, and it’s pervasive enough that different people, encountering different influences under different circumstances, are noentheless coming away with the same congruent messages that fit the same insane worldviews.

Here is what people have been taught about:

Science

  • Dinosaurs never existed! Hashem put bones in the ground to test if you’ll follow God & the Rabbis or the science!
  • Shchita is the most humane way to kill an animal, it causes them no pain at all.
  • On Shabos you have an extra neshama, thats why you’re more hungry and eat at least twice as much.
  • You arent allowed to diet on shabos, you don’t gain weight anyway so you can eat whatever you want.
  • The sun turns red in the morning cuz it passes through the entrance of hell
  • Eating Kosher is more healthy

Sexuality and Relationships

  • If you think of a woman with your tefilin on you will go to hell.
  • It’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it
  • a woman who wears pants is a sinner
  • Living together before marriage has a higher statistic for a failed marriage
  • Every time you jerk off, you are murdreigng your future children. They save your seman in oilam haba. After you die they bring you to a room with all the children who you murdered and they boil you in the large pot of seman.
  • If you jerk off you go to hell and they put fish hooks in your eyes for looking at improper pictures and fish hooks in your genitals for acting on the lust.
  • If you have sex with a shiksa you ruin your bris and Avraham Avinu doesnt rescue you from gehenom.
  • jerking off causes you to have an early death (Kares)
  • “it’s assur for men to wear earrings because it makes them look like those people who are chayav misa.” [i.e., gay]
  • “Your family will come around and it will make your relationship with them even better!”
  • You can’t eat in your parents kitchen anymore, it’s not kosher. They’ll understand and respect your for this.
  • A woman will make you achieve your goals

Daily Life

  • Working is for goyim
  • Retirement is goyishe!
  • working out is for goyim
  • Only the goyim play sports, Yidden learn toirah.
  • Take outsecond and third mortgages to finance your children’s Jewish education
  • If you make your tzeddeka, you’ll get it all back tenfold
  • Let your kids run wild and do whatever they want prior to 13 – they are just getting their animal soul out

Emotional Manipulation

  • Now that we (Rabbis) told you what is right and wrong, if you don’t follow this in the future you are now guilty!
  • Youre special you came from a fucked up home – Hashem loves you! You’re chosen of all your friends (who came from stable homes)
  • We should be happy when the rasha dies because at least he can no longer harm his soul with aveiras.
  • “A husband who doesn’t learn full-time is a bigger rasha than a Get Refuser!”
  • Your body could be tired, but your brain and neshama want to stay up all night!
  • But what does Hashem want!
  • Jews must be oppressed for us to be Good Jews
  • Who are you to think you know more than the Rabbis
  • Not making a bracha is stealing from Hashem
  • You have to beat your son or he won’t fear you
  • If you’re OCD, orthodoxy is the right religion for you

History

  • “Your grandparents and great grandparents were all Orthodox!”
  • It’s the halacha to dress in black and white since all the gedolyim accept the minhag
  • If it’s not in the Torah, it’s not real
  • Jews are the only ones who brought morality to the world.
  • Only our version of Orthodox Judaism is Authentic
  • Only we have an Authentic Shabbos

Liberalism

  • Hitler wasnt so basd, he only wanted to kill our bodies but the reform want to kill our neshamas!
  • What do the “stupid” scientists know
  • Imagine if Einstein focused his time and energy on Torah and not goyyishe science
  • You don’t need a secular education
  • It’s better for a Jew to have a kid with a shiksa than a Reform convert.
  • Dennis Prager left orthodoxy because he has a huge ego

Non-Jews

  • “Drop all your non-Jewish friends. They deep down don’t like Jews and you have nothing in common with them”
  • Goyim are all rapists and murderers
  • You don’t need to hold by goyishe laws.
  • come yingeluch, look at the goiyim in the public school yard. Every one of them will become a ganef and a roitzeach. Is that what you want to be like? – How can you send your children to public school? They are all rapists and murderers. Theyll kill your children when they find out theyre Jewish.
  • Barak Obama is a Nazi Muslim
  • Hashem created the goyim to serve us as slaves
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