Torah! Oh Torah! It’s the absolute truth
It’s better than coke or ice cold vermouth
The Torah’s our guide to tell us wrongful from rightful
To make the right choices, now ain’t that delightful?
Because you can’t ever just trust your own teensy brain
To make moral choices, that would be a strain

Our purpose in life is to bring the world light
Though the present day sucks, our future is bright
Soon Messiah will come and set the world straight
Then we’ll have even more rules, now isn’t that great?

Us Jews are the best, though as a nation we’re small
Us Jews are the best, although we’re not very tall
And yet, despite that, look at the impact we’ve had
A disproportionate impact we’ve had, I might add

We’ve taught the whole world about the right things to do:
If people annoy you, do not fling them with poo
Avoid conflict and strife, sanctify life
Have love for thy neighbor but don’t covet his wife
Nor his ass for that matter
Or that bacon cheese platter

Then there’s also Shabbat, and as you might recollect
Shabbat is a time for us to all disconnect
With smiles spread wide and our heels all a clickin’
It’s family time!
And who doesn’t like chicken?

So with all of these lessons and wrongfuls set right
You can tell it’s the Jews who’ve been spreading the light
And just thinking of that should fill you with delight
Making you the very most proudest of Jews here in sight

Look at all the prizes we’ve won! Awards of all sorts!
In science and finance and writing (but not sports)
Look at all of the movements we’ve started!
The ideas we’ve had! The seas that we’ve parted

But wait, there is more! There’s the people who hate us
There’s so many fucking darn people who hate us
And so, as you know, we’re special there too
No one is hated as much as the Jew
For thousands of years the world’s been full of haters
They hate us more than they love tots on their taters

But then there’s a few who stand out from the rest
Those tiniest few who think Jews are the best
Mark Twain is amongst them, you should read what he wrote
And Jefferson too had this one awesome quote
There was also some poet was it Shelly? Or Keats?
Who had nice things to say, but I forget the deets

So really we’re simultaneously special for both
We’re loved and we’re hated from the south to the north
And if being loved doesn’t fill you with pride
Then surely there’s knowing you’ve got nowhere to hide
While the non-Jews of the world try to murder you dead
I hope that some pride finally goes to your head

So there you done have it
It’s simple to see
That being a Jew is the best thing to be
(Paul Johnson will tell you, you don’t have to trust me)