Satire

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, I'd have enough money to start my own religion. Or at least my own congregation. Same difference, really. Everyone seems to have some magical elusive Judaism that I'm missing out on."Your Judaism is not like my Judaism.""You should...

“The will of God is so,” explains the The Kiruv Rabbi in the most non-condescending voice he can muster. The Pimply Kid before him, plucked from the bottom of the university barrel, nodded stupidly. “And so,” continued the Rabbi, “It figures by default that the Jews are the most important people...

The Chevrolet Escapade truly is a tiny a vehicle. But it gets great gas mileage. For the first 26 years, the hydraulic pistons in the back of this one would hold open the trunk when you loaded it. Now a broomstick, permanently stored in the back, sufficed for the...

What lost objects are your own, and which must you return to their owners?Rabbi Akiva says a stack of four coins.Rabbi Meir says five.Who is right? Teiku. No one knows. Schmaltzburg leaned against the fence and took a deep drag of the cigarette. It burned, this being the cheapest, shittiest brand...

Avreml Zingelwald kicks off his shoes and jumps into the freshly dug grave. He’s done this a thousand times before. It’s his job. Yankel Vozserzach hands him the body. They’ve done this so often, multiple times a day, that their movements are fast, mechanical, sterile. This lumpy body in its shrouds...

Avrumi Zeivald was prepared to meet his maker. Or at least a maker. Someone’s, even if not his. The Torah, the Rabbis had assured him, came with a lifetime guarantee. It was guaranteed to be true, or he’d be eligible for a full refund. The problem was, that as Avrumi’s...

In the beginning, God created throat cancer and eye parasites and rivers for people to drown in. And He saw that it was mighty swell. “You see that tree?” asks God. “Yes,” says Adam, squinting. “Don’t eat from it.” “Why?” “Because I said so,” said God, beginning to lose his everlasting patience. “It’s The...

So it had come to this. He was dead, and it was judgement time. His first grade Rebbe had warned him about this moment. Rosh Hashanah davening had reminded him of it. And now, 83 years later, it was really happening. “When you arrive in heaven, you’ll stand before God on...

One of my favorite memories of all time is a simple one. Reuven Karasik and Tehila Ben Kalifa came and stayed with me for the weekend. We had a sleepover. They listened to my stories. We laughed and watched movies and talked like I always imagined friends did - but never really ever...

There’s a little booklet you can get, and it tells you when you can worship God. He’s available from 6:43 AM until 8:42. After that he’ll be pissed that you missed your appointment. There’s a Siddur you can get, with a compass in the cover. It shows you which direction...