Sex

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Sample from chapter #1:

Sex in Judaism is a beautiful thing. It’s also terrible. When you do it at the right time, it’s amazing. God himself sits there watching you and jerks off while you’re going at it. When you climax, he does too.

Did you know? The relationship between God and the Jews can be inferred from the relationship between a husband and wife! Look at all those sexy metaphors King Solomon was writing about. All the boobs and the shiny teeth? He was totally referring to God. By examining the dynamic between a man and woman, you can learn how to relate to God: just like a man fucks his wife, so too God fucks the Jewish people.

So sex between a loving husband and wife is wonderful. Except if you do too much of it. Then it’s terrible. Because it’s a really a very physical act, and we don’t want you being with your wife all the time, like a chicken.

You gotta strike a balance, and you’d best consult with a Rabbi on this regard. Bonus points if he actually knows you. Bonus bonus points if you picked him because his opinion aligns with yours.

Judaism thinks sex is so awesome, in fact, that it’s pretty much the first thing you should do when you get married and can touch your wife for the first time. But after doing it once you should wait like two weeks, because let’s not get carried away.

Did I mention that Mikvah night is like, the holiest thing ever in Judaism? Except for Tefillin. And Shabbat. Niddah is like a monthly honeymoon, it’s magical. That alone should make all you ladies in the room become religious. However, after menopause, there’s no more need for honeymoons apparently, so go for it whenever.

But wait. There’s a right way and wrong way to do it. Lots of wrong ways, in fact. Here’s a long list of things you can’t do, but hey, except for those, enjoy yourself! Not too much though, you don’t want to get all caught up in physicality.

Be careful not to use a condom, you’re basically spilling seed because it doesn’t count as being in the woman. But don’t think you can get away with sleeping with random people and using a condom, that totally still counts as adultery – dude, you’re inside her. You’re pretty much fucked both ways, is my point.

Masturbation is the worst sin ever. It’s like murder. Except for sleeping with a Niddah woman, which is obviously worse, duh.

The forefathers are totally a model for how to have a healthy, loving relationship. Except for the four wives part. You can’t do that these days. Unless you’re Yemenite, than you can.

Even King David totally fucked up when it came to sex, see? Everyone is human and no one is immune. Also, Kind David definitely did not mess up in that regard, you need to understand the nuance of what was happening there.

Judaism teaches husbands to treat women with the utmost respect. You gotta make sure she orgasms first! Also, feel free to have sex with her whenever you want, you basically own her, so consent isn’t much of a thing and you can easily divorce her on those grounds if that stuff’s not aligning to your plan.

Ha! The hole in a sheet thing? That’s totally a myth. Except for that one Hassidic group who basically does it. And that one famous rabbi from the Talmud. But still, hey, us normal people? We get to have fun nudge nudge, wink wink.

No, not like that, you’re doing it wrong.

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