I think I was still religious when I made these. The writing was on the wall. Facebook wall, that is.
The kiruv world prides itself in its open-mindedness. "Ask us anything! We will change our views in a heartbeat if you convince us! Sure you can ask about sex, and no, we don't use a hole in the sheet, we're super progressive!"
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, I'd have enough money to start my own religion. Or at least my own congregation. Same difference, really. Everyone seems to have some magical elusive Judaism that I'm missing out on."Your Judaism...
“The will of God is so,” explains the The Kiruv Rabbi in the most non-condescending voice he can muster. The Pimply Kid before him, plucked from the bottom of the university barrel, nodded stupidly. “And so,” continued the Rabbi, “It figures...
What lost objects are your own, and which must you return to their owners?Rabbi Akiva says a stack of four coins.Rabbi Meir says five.Who is right? Teiku. No one knows. Schmaltzburg leaned against the fence and took a deep drag of the cigarette.
Avreml Zingelwald kicks off his shoes and jumps into the freshly dug grave. He’s done this a thousand times before. It’s his job. Yankel Vozserzach hands him the body. They’ve done this so often, multiple times a day, that their movements are fast, mechanical,...
Avrumi Zeivald was prepared to meet his maker. Or at least a maker. Someone’s, even if not his. The Torah, the Rabbis had assured him, came with a lifetime guarantee. It was guaranteed to be true, or he’d be eligible for a full refund....
In the beginning, God created throat cancer and eye parasites and rivers for people to drown in. And He saw that it was mighty swell. “You see that tree?” asks God. “Yes,” says Adam, squinting. “Don’t eat from...
So it had come to this. He was dead, and it was judgement time. His first grade Rebbe had warned him about this moment. Rosh Hashanah davening had reminded him of it. And now, 83 years later, it was really happening.

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