A Journey from Orthodoxy to New Beliefs with Daveed

In this episode of Beyond Belief, Tales of Religious Exodus, Sholem Svi interviews David, a former member of the Orthodox Jewish community who shares his personal journey of leaving the faith. They discuss David’s upbringing in a gradually more observant family, his engagement with online communities like the X Jew subreddit, and his exploration of different faiths including Christianity. David details his conflict with religious doctrines, familial expectations, and finding his own path. He also touches on the role of community, the support from friends, and his experiences with love and acceptance within and outside his religious background. This episode provides an intimate look into the complexities of religious identity and personal transformation.

00:00 Introduction to Beyond Belief
00:19 David’s Reddit Connection
02:41 David’s Background and Upbringing
09:00 Transition to Orthodoxy
11:15 Struggles with Orthodoxy
13:06 College Years and Questioning Faith
19:21 Post-College Life and Continued Doubts
23:06 Current Beliefs and Reflections
32:33 Questioning the Chosen People
33:30 Religious Discrimination and Hostility
34:39 Personal Reflections on Religious Practices
35:04 Journey to Cantorial School
36:12 Interfaith Relationship Challenges
39:27 Exploring Christianity
42:21 Role of a Cantor and Spiritual Advisor
52:40 Navigating Social Dynamics After Leaving Orthodoxy
58:02 Parental Acceptance and Family Dynamics
01:01:24 Words of Wisdom for Those in Transition
01:03:02 Musical Expression and Final Thoughts

Podcast Summary

Leaving the Fold: Daveed’s Journey Out of Orthodoxy and Embracing New Beliefs

Welcome to Beyond Belief, Tales of Religious Exodus, where we delve into the personal journeys of people who’ve left fundamentalist religions. In today’s post, we share the remarkable story of Daveed. His narrative is one of searching for meaning, grappling with identity, and ultimately, finding healing and love outside of his Orthodox Jewish upbringing.

An Introduction to Daveed’s Story

Daveed begins his journey as a child of an Israeli father and a Cuban-Jewish mother. Growing up, his family was not particularly religious. They kept kosher inside the house but were otherwise secular. It wasn’t until Daveed was around eight years old that his family slowly started adopting more stringent religious practices. This gradual shift led them to fully embrace Orthodox Judaism over the course of two or three years.

Despite not being born into a strictly observant household, Daveed found a passion for his newfound religious lifestyle. He dedicated himself to learning Torah, memorizing Mishnayot, and even becoming a chazan (cantor) in his community. However, as he reached adulthood, cracks began to appear in his commitment to Orthodoxy.

The Shift: Questioning and Turning Points

Daveed’s high school years were fraught with academic difficulties, as he struggled to balance his love for theater with the rigorous demands of a religious education. When he was accepted into Yeshiva University (YU), it felt more like a financial necessity for the institution rather than an academic achievement for him.

The pivotal moment came when Daveed broke Shabbat for the first time by using his computer. His intense feelings of guilt and subsequent confrontation with his roommate marked the starting point of his departure from the Orthodox way of life. The experience left him questioning the rules and restrictions that had governed his life.

After being dismissed from YU due to poor grades, Daveed found himself back in Miami, attending community college and delving into theater. This exposure to diverse people and cultures began to dissolve the metaphorical bubble in which he had lived. Despite being deeply entangled in religious practices, meeting new people and experiencing different ways of life were slowly but surely changing his worldview.

The Final Straw: Love and Family Challenges

Daveed’s relationship with an Italian Catholic girl intensified his internal conflict. Falling in love with her made him question the tenets of Orthodox Judaism even more. Despite breaking up twice due to family pressures, he eventually decided that his love for her was worth the struggle against his strict Orthodox background.

Social and familial backlash became a significant obstacle. People from his past avoided him, and he faced harsh judgments for his relationship. Yet, the support of new friends and communities played a critical role in helping him navigate through these challenging times.

Finding New Paths and Meaning

Intriguingly, Daveed found solace in the core values of Christianity. The concepts of love, understanding, and compassion in Christianity began to resonate with him. He was particularly moved by the show “The Chosen” and even had a profound dream involving Jesus.

Despite his departure from Orthodoxy, Daveed’s passion for Jewish music and potential interest in becoming a cantor remained. However, institutional barriers within both conservative and reform Judaism due to his interfaith relationship further complicated his journey.

Conclusion: A Journey for Love and Acceptance

Daveed’s story is one of resilience, love, and an unyielding quest for personal truth. From a secular upbringing to a devout Orthodox life, and now an exploration of Christianity, his journey encapsulates the struggles and triumphs of leaving a fundamentalist religious environment.

For those going through similar experiences, Daveed offers straightforward advice: “Listen to your heart. It’s scary, but take the leap. It’ll be hard and painful at times, but you’ll be happier in the long run.”

If you enjoyed Daveed’s story and want to hear more personal journeys of religious exodus, subscribe to Beyond Belief today and share this post with others who might benefit from it.

Navigating Faith and Identity: Ames’ Journey Beyond Evangelical Christianity

In this episode of Beyond Belief, Tales of Religious Exodus, we delve into Ames’ profound journey out of evangelical Christianity. Once deeply rooted in various denominations including Protestant Evangelical, Missionary Alliance, and Pentecostal churches, Ames shares their path from devout faith to intellectual scrutiny and eventual departure. Ames discusses the impact of upbringing, personal devotion, and the intense pressure to conform.

We explore their struggle with an evangelical worldview, the role of sexuality, and the intellectual and emotional unraveling that led to their exit. Ames provides insights into reconciling faith with self-identity, the challenges of leaving a religious community, and the process of finding new meaning and joy. This deeply introspective conversation sheds light on the complexities of religious deconstruction and the courage required to embrace one’s authentic self.

00:54 Ames’ Religious Background
02:11 Personal Faith Journey
06:04 University Struggles and Deepening Faith
09:58 Intellectual and Personal Unraveling
12:38 Questioning Christianity and Sexuality
16:54 Leaving Religion and Finding Identity
31:51 Grieving and Healing
37:08 Current Reflections and Advice
48:11 Conclusion and Farewell

Podcast Summary

Our latest episode features Ames, whose story is both compelling and enlightening. Ames discusses leaving a Protestant evangelical background, navigating their sexuality and gender identity, and finding a new path in life after religion.

From Evangelical Roots to Liberation

Ames described their upbringing in various Protestant denominations, including a missionary Alliance church, non-denominational churches, home churches, Pentecostal churches, and even Mennonite gatherings. Raised by evangelical parents who placed a strong emphasis on personal devotion to God, Ames found their childhood imbued with religious practices, including prayer, Bible reading, and communal worship.

The shifting religious landscape, largely spearheaded by their parents, was guided by a fundamental belief in the evangelical mandate to share one’s faith and cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This upbringing deeply influenced Ames’ formative years and identity.

The Intellectual and Personal Struggle

As Ames grew older, ideological and personal conflicts began to surface. A significant catalyst in their departure from evangelicalism was the intellectual realization that Christianity, for them, was a lens through which people interpret reality, not the definitive truth. Ames faced an internal struggle reconciling the Christian worldview with their own innate sense of morality and compassion for others, including the LGBTQ+ community.

The statement “no immoral person, no adulterers or homosexuals will inherit the kingdom of God” (which Ames stumbled upon in their youth) left a profound impact, inducing a deep sense of alienation and fear.

Coming to Terms with Identity

Ames’ journey of self-discovery was gradual but transformative. It wasn’t until their mid-twenties that they started confronting their sexuality and gender identity more openly. Despite the immense internalized homophobia from their religious background, Ames bravely embarked on this path of self-acceptance.

Joining atheist circles and engaging in open dialogues provided the space for Ames to explore their beliefs more freely. The conversations with non-religious friends, who offered unbiased support and insight, played a crucial role in their deconstruction process.

Unlearning and Relearning

Ames highlights the distinct challenges of transitioning from a life steeped in religious dogma to one of new-found freedom and self-expression. They speak candidly about the awkwardness and alienation felt when stepping into a world of secular norms that many take for granted. This included relearning basic social and dating skills later in life and discovering the freedoms of personal choices, such as getting a tattoo or exploring powerlifting.

Ames likens this transition to the experience of Kimmy Schmidt, emerging into an unfamiliar world and navigating it with a mix of curiosity and trepidation.

Grief and Healing

A major part of Ames’ journey was the unanticipated grief that followed their departure from religion. The loss of community, friendships, and a previously structured sense of certainty weighed heavily. However, Ames emphasizes the importance of processing this grief as an essential step toward healing and self-acceptance.

Despite the pain, this period also marked a significant phase of personal growth. Ames found solace and strength in therapy, explored their gender expression more authentically, and connected with sources of joy and fulfillment.

Embracing Joy and Authenticity

One of the most profound takeaways from Ames’ story is the shift from constant self-improvement (a byproduct of their evangelical upbringing) to embracing personal joy and authenticity. They stress the significance of seeking novelty, diving into interests and passions, and allowing oneself to live fully without undue fear or hesitation.

Words of Advice

For those on a similar path of deconstruction, Ames offers valuable advice: Seek out diverse perspectives, engage in open and honest conversations, and find people who challenge and inspire you. Trust the process, lean into the challenges, and remember that what you’re doing is brave and worthy of support.

Ames’ journey from a strict religious upbringing to a place of self-discovery and acceptance offers hope and guidance for anyone navigating similar waters. Their story underlines the importance of personal authenticity, intellectual freedom, and finding joy in life’s journey.

Thank you so much, Ames, for joining us and sharing your incredible journey. For more inspiring tales of religious exodus, be sure to subscribe to Beyond Belief. If you found this episode inspiring, please share it with others who might benefit from it.

Stay tuned for future episodes as we continue to explore the profound journeys of those who have found new paths beyond belief.

Angel Zone

What does a fetus resemble in his mother’s intestines? A folded notebook… And he sees from one end of the world to the other, and he is taught all the torah. And when he enters the world, an angel comes and smacks him on his mouth and makes him forget all the torah.

– Talmud Nidda 30b

He’s so dumb, the angel must have hit him a bit too hard
– Yiddish insult

Shlemple had first discovered his ability by accident.

While twiddling with his lip during a particularly boring second grade class (different parts of dismembered cows were being discussed) he tapped himself a bit too hard.

Instantly, he erased the memory of all internal organs accrued thus far, as well as that morning’s prayer session and his mother yelling at him that he was late for school.

This pleased him greatly.

It took a while to hone this skill. He was clumsy about it at first. Sometimes he’d tap himself too lightly and have the haziest short term amnesia that was a of use to no one. Other times he’d overdo it and erase an entire week.

He eventually got the hang of it, and used it to its full advantage.

That time his Rabbi beat him for asking how God had created trees before he created the sun.

Poof.

Along with 17 species of plant names of biblical origin.

That time his mother had fed him soap when he asked her why men have nipples, explaining that a ben torah shouldn’t be asking such questions.

Poof.

Along with the names of the 40 places the Israelites had camped in the desert.

The memory of his friend, Shimmy Frankeklein who died in a terror attack outside the Puzmack sock shop in Geula.

Poof.

Along with most of tractate taharos, which dealt with purifying vessels that come in contact with the dead.

Sometimes he didn’t even need to trigger it directly.

Like that bad car accident when his 6th son, Chetzkel, had died. I guess they tell people to use seat-belts for a reason, as opposed to, say, hypothetically transporting your children in the trunk of your minivan.

That time, he’d hit his mouth on the steering wheel so hard that he’d forgotten about Chetzkel, most of psalms, and how to pray. Conveniently, this included the mourner’s kaddish.

As Shlemple saw it, he’d emerged with a net zero.

A breakeven in this game of life.

When Shlemple eventually made it to the Never-ending Kiddush in the Sky, the heavenly court was not impressed.

The amount of things he’d forgotten, neglected, or otherwise failed at was staggering.

Shlemple had no recollection of such failings.

“Keep your soul pure, or we’ll take it from you,” the celestial bodies had warned him when he was born.

Shlemple did not remember this warning.

“Even if others tell you you’re righteous, don’t believe them,” the divine messengers had admonished.

No one had ever accused Shlemple of being righteous.

As is the the prescription for all those who don’t make the cut, it was decided that Shlemple would be headed down for another round.

Reincarnation.

Back to the womb, back to the diapers, back to Cheder.

To another set of shitty parents.

Another school that looked more like a prison.

Another set of experiences that far exceeded the human capacity to contain them.

Shlemple fondled his philtrum.

He was ready.

Escaping Neturei Karta: Leah’s Journey from Fundamentalism to Self-Discovery

In this episode of Beyond Belief, Tales of Religious Exodus, we explore Leah’s profound journey from growing up in the extreme fundamentalist environment of Neturei Karta in Stamford Hill, London, to a life of self-discovery and intellectual freedom. Through harrowing childhood experiences and forced marriage, Leah’s quest for knowledge takes her across continents, where she immerses herself in various cultures and subjects. From facing familial alienation and isolation to becoming a counselor and AI enthusiast, Leah’s story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Join us as she shares how she gradually broke free from her past to find meaning, healing, and purpose in her life.

00:00 Introduction to Beyond Belief
00:32 Leah’s Early Life and Upbringing
01:00 Life in Stamford Hill
03:54 Struggles with Religious Extremism
06:28 Abuse and Isolation
08:33 Attempts to Escape
17:23 Marriage and Gradual Realization
21:28 Exposure to the Outside World
25:25 Discovering the World and Philosophy
26:17 Self-Education and Intellectual Growth
26:54 Life in California and Brain Exploration
28:55 Counseling and Testing Ideas in Jail
30:23 Return to Israel and Unexpected Career Path
31:14 Struggles and Healing from Trauma
38:18 Social Integration and Unique Experiences
41:02 Future Goals and Writing a Book
44:43 Advice for Others on Personal Growth
51:47 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Episode Summary

In this episode, we sat down with Leah, whose story takes us from the insularity of a strict religious upbringing to the expansive world of intellectual and personal freedom.

An Unyielding Search for Truth

Leah’s upbringing in Stamford Hill, London, within the strict confines of the Neturei Karta community was harsh and isolating. From her earliest memories, such as burning the Israeli flag and seeing Palestinians as the other, to severe punishments like being left on the streets at night by her mother, Leah’s childhood was anything but normal.

“One of my earliest memories is burning the flag of Israel and hearing my uncles discuss how they beat women who were immodestly dressed.” — Leah

From a young age, Leah was perceived as different. She was isolated from her siblings, kept in the attic of her grandmother’s house, and regularly dismissed as having a ‘man’s brain’ because of her inquisitive nature. This unwelcome curiosity was in stark contrast to an environment that sought to suppress any deviation from normativity.

Breaking Out

Leah’s journey of self-discovery began in her escape from an arranged and forced marriage. Although the marriage was not the freedom she sought, it facilitated her departure from Stamford Hill to Israel, and eventually to various other countries, where she was finally able to question her upbringing and seek the truth.

“When we first came to Israel, I really wanted to know the world. I decided to visit a museum but ended up volunteering at an investigative agency instead.” — Leah

Her relentless quest for knowledge took her from Israel to America and even to Hungary, where she immersed herself in studying various cultures, religions, and ideologies. Through these experiences, she came to realize how much of her belief system was deeply ingrained and had to be meticulously unpacked.

Healing Through Curiosity

Leah’s healing journey was gradual and multifaceted. From teaching herself philosophy and securing a master’s degree at Bar Ilan University, to exploring the labyrinthine corridors of libraries where she read everything from “The Origin of Species” to the Torah, Leah’s quest for knowledge became her path to healing.

“I read everything to see whether what I was taught was true or not. It was a process of validating or invalidating the beliefs that informed my upbringing.” — Leah

Even in Silicon Valley, where she accompanied her husband for his job, Leah dedicated herself to understanding the human brain, neuroplasticity, and emotional regulation through self-study and practical application with parolees and clients. Her intellectual curiosity blossomed into a critical skill for healing past traumas and understanding the mechanics of her mind.

Defying the Past

Leah’s journey took an unusual turn when she moved to the deep south of the United States, landing herself amidst a Trump messianic cult and various evangelical circles. Her interactions, though accidental, were instrumental in broadening her understanding of the world and distancing herself from her past.

Embracing a New Life

Leah’s story of transformation is one of unparalleled resilience and unending curiosity. From integrating into mainstream society to finding solace in intellectual pursuits, Leah’s experiences reflect the struggles and triumphs many face in their journey out of fundamentalism.

“You’re not a computer, you’re not an AI. Your brain is a plant that grows and evolves. You can step out of being programmed and take control.” — Leah

Her advice to others leaving religion is unequivocal: seek new environments, question everything, and see things as they are. Embrace the brain’s neuroplasticity and allow yourself to be the gardener of your own mind.

Conclusion

Leah’s story is a powerful testament to the human spirit’s capacity to overcome even the most ingrained conditioning. Her journey from darkness to light serves as an inspiration to those navigating their way out of oppressive environments. Leah’s story is a reminder that it’s never too late to start anew and reclaim oneself.

Thank you for joining us for this episode of Beyond Belief: Tales of Religious Exodus. If you found Leah’s story inspiring, please share it with others who might benefit from it, and be sure to subscribe for updates on future episodes.

Sanbelat the Horny

Sanbelat the Horny was horny.

He adjusted the black hat and suit he was wearing, wiping the sweat from his brow. A black hat and suit were the last thing you’d think of wearing in the Middle East, but this what Moses had worn when he left Egypt, so it figured that those devoted to fearing God would do the same.

He gazed at the sexy images that peered back at him from the bottom of the earthenware bowls he had lined up on the ground. In 3,000 years, Rabbi Ken Spiro would explain that this nudity would represent the depravity the world had been plunged into until the Jews had lit up the nations.

Illustrative photo of the illustrations in question.

Dunno, Sanbelat kind of liked things this way. Without these bowls, he’d be forced to just masturbate to bible verses. Ezikiel 23.19 – “for their cocks are like horses, and their semen flows like donkeys”. Song of Songs 7.3 – “Your tits are like pomegranates”.

He was paraphrasing, but only slightly. That’s the gist. He wasn’t great at memorization, but he knew those words well.

The verses were juicy, but these images at the bottom of the bowls were juicer. Every month Earth&Wear would release a new edition of their bowls, with the Figure of the Month™ carved in the bottom. You had to collect them all.

You know what wasn’t fair to Sanbelat? That his name would never catch on. Other bible names would totally stick. Daniel. Jonathan. David. Judah, who incidentally had a predilection for whores.

Sanbelat had a real ring to it – but it would be relegated to fictional-sounding stories, like this one. That said, Sanbelat felt there was still hope. Onan literally had masturbation named after him. If he played his cards right, maybe lust would be named after Sanbelat the Horny.

He remembered the day the finger arrived in the mail, by courier. It belonged to a concubine who’s man had let her be gang raped to death. Aghast that something so evil could occur despite his total complacency, he’d chopped her into pieces and sent her off to all the rest of the tribes.

To communicate his point.

Sanbelat didn’t get what the big deal was. Rape wasn’t even prohibited in the Torah. Although personally he preferred that the women he had sex with actually wanted it. It was more fun that way.

Everyone else was particularly enraged by the actions of a small group of hooligans, and so the remaining tribes had started a civil war and killed almost every single human from the tribe of Benjamin.

Realization suddenly dawned that killing every single human from the tribe of Benjamin would mean they would cease to exist, and, full of remorse, they remediated the situation by allowing the remaining men to kidnap their daughters and progenate the next generation.

Disaster averted.

Sanbelat had a girlfriend. She actually wasn’t even an Israelite, because the Torah didn’t explicitly prohibit dating a non-Jewish woman. Hell, Jacob has married a non-Jewish woman. Four of them, in fact. He was gonna buy the rights to her marriage, just as soon as saved up enough camels.

His Rabbis would admonish him.

“Sanbelat,” Rabbi Ishmael would say (another name that didn’t really stay in style), standing beneath the tallest palm tree, as was the custom of Men of Authority. “You should study more and jerk off less.”

Sanbelat would try. But there was very little to study yet. Just a few books. The five books of Moses. 12 out of the remaining 19 books that would eventually be written.

Esther hadn’t happened yet. Chronicles was only partially Chronicled. Definitely no Rashi or Tosfot to endlessly debate.

Sanbelat’s other classmates didn’t fare much better. They’d crowd into the synagogue, the very same ones that would be unearthed by archeologists centuries later. They’d do everything they could to avoid any sort of livelihood-making activities. Those were women’s jobs, along with cooking and cleaning and making babies.

And let’s not even get started with serving in King David’s army. Hell no.

Sanbelat was keeping the world aloft with every holy word he spoke. Huddled over the parchment by the light of an oil lamp, pouring over writings that would be illegible to modern day Jews, he was truly a light unto the nations.

Proverbs 5:19: “I love sucking graceful nips”.

Sanbelat gripped his dick with determination.

It was hard being a Yeshiva Bochur in 1,000 BC.

But someone had to do it.

Dik Picks

You want proofs of God? I’ll give you proofs of God.

How is it, that the word Zayin, which means both Fuck and Dick in Hebrew, looks so amazingly like a dick when turned on its side?

Checkmate atheists.

And it’s the 7th letter in the Hebrew alphabet, which we know is the holiest of letters. Kabbalistically, this is be

cause sex is actually a huge, throbbing mitzvah when done in the right way and in the right time, which is not at all and never.

Double checkmate.

Here’s the original amazing text that inspired this all:

Thank you Miss Mandelbaum, for making this a school I want to go to.

Things eventually became colorful, as the verse sayeth “And I shall cast the rainbow in the cloud”.

Bonus video:

Conditioning for Pleasure

I’ve been working with a coach on experiencing pleasure. It’s not that I haven’t experienced it at all, but it was few and far between, and I did not enjoy my day-to-day existence.

I can probably say I started experiencing joy for the first time about a year ago.

My default mode of going through the world was surviving. I am now working on thriving, which requires a completely new way of being to come online.

As always, I am struck by where I come from. How it promised it all and delivered nothing.

My mother would wax poetic about how Eskimos have 100 words for snow (they don’t) and how jews have a hundred words for joy. Because we’re so fucking joyous, right?

“Worship God with Simcha. Come before him with Renana.” If you sang it with enough fervor, maybe you’d start feeling it.

Noach Weinberg’s fundamental, absolute beginner class was The 5 Levels of Pleasure.

Leave it to that dude to take what is supposed to be a felt experience and turn it into an hour-long mental masturbation meta-analysis of what pleasure was supposed to be like. Including deeming certain pleasure “counterfeit”.

Figures, this coming from the community that taught the secrets to a happy marriage before they all got divorced.

And so, as usual, I am building it all up from scratch, experientially instead of intellectually. And instead of starting from zero, which would be sad enough, I am starting with a deficit, unlearning all the bullshit that was ingrained in me by my parents, aish, and orthodox Judaism.

I’d tell them to go fuck themselves, but they might enjoy it.

And that wouldn’t be allowed.

Shlemple Joins the Army

Join Shlemple on a whimsical journey of soul crushing death and destruction. Sure to be a direct hit for the whole family.

I Hate Being Jewish

Cards against Humanity is one of my favorite games. It’s funny, it’s simple, and it’s not very competitive.

When it’s my turn to judge, those who know me know that certain cards are automatic winners. Cards I deem so hilarious that everyone else can just give up and go home.

Auschwitz.

Hitler.

Self-microwaving burrito.

What even is a self-microwaving burrito?

Teiku. No one knows.

As a child, the term self-hating jew was thrown around a lot.

Especially when certain names were mentioned, like Noam Chomsky.

My mother brandished the term with particular frequency, and I recall the particular derision in her voice.

The amount of judgement that only someone who deeply hates themselves can muster up.

Hating your Jewishness is frowned upon.

Hating your very essence is the most Jewish thing you can do.

What even is a self-hating Jew?

It feels just as magical, as self-sufficient, as capable, as a self-microwaving burrito. “Instead of needing to rely on others to be hated, you just do it to yourself.”

I hate being Jewish.

At this point, not because of anything I’ve done personally or that we’ve done as a collective.

As it’s been pointed out, for most of history we’ve been victims, not perpetrators.

I hate being Jewish because contending with anti-semitism is a royal pain in the ass.

It feels like an amplification of the general human condition, and my anti-natalist views towards being born.

To be alive is to suffer.

To be Jewish is to suffer more.

My reaction to human suffering, and the despicable behavior of humans who often perpetuate it, is revulsion to the point of not wanting to share the same earth with these creatures.

To be alive is to suffer, and I think we should think deeply before dragging more people into this world of suffering.

If you’re predisposed for additional suffering, I think this requires even deeper contemplation.

If you’ll be giving someone a genetic disease, for example.

Or if you’ll be making them part of a persecuted minority.

You’re setting them up for extra pain.

To be Jewish is to suffer in ways that many people don’t. I don’t believe it’s metaphysical, but I do think Jews have suffered disproportionately throughout history, and up until today.

To grapple with the immeasurable suffering of our ancestors. To struggle with simmering antisemitism that is always right beneath the surface, or, as the case currently seems to be, right above it.

It boggles my mind that people’s reaction after the holocaust, or after October 7th, is to double down and bring more humans into this godforsaken earth.

I don’t comprehend the concept of being proud because you’re disproportionately hated. It’s not necessarily an indication that you’ve done something wrong, but hey, wouldn’t you rather be proud about being universally loved?

I resent being human, grappling with the suffering that is part of the human condition.

I resent being Jewish and grappling with the extra suffering that is my lot.

The least I can do is not perpetuate this upon anyone else.

“But then they’ll have won,” you’ll admonish, clutching your Jewish star. “In the battle of good and evil, it’ll be evil who’s prevailing.”

Maybe it will be.

Returning to Footsteps

My partner and I recently attended a retreat organized by Footsteps, the organization that supports (mostly) Orthodox Jews leaving religion, especially in the New York area.

The retreat was wonderful, and I am grateful to the organization for creating such an enjoyable experience, with a lot of generosity, abundance, and acceptance, all traits that I was sorely lacking during my upbringing.

I learned to juggle. I taught acro yoga. I played laser tag for the first time in my life. I hosted the largest ever game of Kiruv vs. Orthodoxy, and shepped loads of nachas as people laughed at the cards.

Below are some additional observations, in no particular order.

How lucky I am

I had a fucked up childhood, and yet other people’s lives are so much worse. People at the wrong end of a custody battle, with little access to their children, and no support from their families. Contrast that with my partner leaving religion like I did, our aligned values around raising our kids together, and the partial acceptance my parents have shown.

The more conservative your upbringing, the more fucked up you’ll be

I was fortunate to be raised with fluent English, with secular education being celebrated, to a degree, even if as a means towards an end. You can see the difference in how messed-up Yeshivish/Lithuanian families are compared to the far-worse Hassidic families are. The latter gives you even less education and marks even the English you speak with a distinct accent that sets you apart.

The predominance of Queer and Neurodivergent People

It’s hard to know if this is the cause or the effect, but it was clear that religion becomes a whole lot less tolerable if your sexual preferences are different, or if your brain works differently than others on an intellectual, emotional, or social level. Footsteps also probably disproportionately attracts these types of individuals, because of the extra support and community they feel they need.

The presence of trauma

Trauma is everywhere, right beneath the surface. It’s in the lack of eye-contact and the nervous mannerisms. It’s in the laughter around dark personal stories that aren’t funny. It’s in the rampant sexual abuse that is implied and almost explicit in some people’s journeys. It’s in the costumes many people put on as they prepare to get on a bus back to their closeted Orthodox lives.

How far I’ve come

I was at the last retreat, pre-covid, four years ago. It was interesting to have a milestone to see my progress since then. How much I’ve healed from my traumatic past. How much I’ve moved on from my identity as an ex-religious person. How much my social skills have improved. I saw some people I recognized from four years ago, and not all of them have fared as well. For my growth too, I am grateful.

Never was it more obvious that the more religion equals more pain than at the Footsteps retreat.

Fuck religion. Thank god for Footsteps. They may not be perfect, but their heart is in the right place.

I don’t think I’ll be going on another retreat, because of how far I’ve come. But I’m grateful for the experience and what I learned in this one.

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Some questions I had about Judaism, I got answers that worked, to a point. There were explanations that...

There’s a little booklet you can get, and it tells you when you can worship God. He’s...