Discourse

Rabbi Chananya said: who is a dumbass? he who walks four cubits without his head covered.

And Rabbi Akashya said: no, he is a bitchass cracker.

—

Rabbi Yishmael said: why are the people the Galilee called Freedom Farters? Because they have poopy buttholes.

And Rabbi Shmarya said: in our town we called them poopy faces.

Rabbi Chanina said: it was told to me by my grandfather, who heard it from his grandfather, that we called them poopyface buttholes.

—

Rabbi Srachya son of Ptachya said: he who is walking down the field and looks up from his book to notice a tree is motherfucking fool.

And Rabbi Abba son of Pappa said: both he is a fool, and his son is a fool, and his son’s son is the biggest fool.

—

Shammai said: three things God hates – he who changes lanes without signaling, he who jumps ahead at the DMV, and he who drives recklessly like a fucking retard.

Hillel said: on three things the world stands – big hunks of steak, potato kugel, and apple strudel.

And some say: matzo ball soup most of all.

—

Rabbi Avtalyon son of Chanoch was once lying under his teacher’s bed while he had sex, and remarked: my, what big ass cheeks my Rabbi’s wife has.

Said his Rabbi (Some say it was Rabbi Elazar the Shamoan, some say it was Rabbi Elazar the Gilboan): he who sneaks a peek has no share in the world to cum.

—

Rabbi Gamzu of Eltzafan said: who is beloved upon God? he who accepts others without judgement, is kind to all people, and greets everyone with a goddamn smile.

Sorry Not Sorry

I hate this time of year.

I hate personal growth that gets scheduled on a calendar. A month where everyone goes on their best behavior, like they’re being audited by some heavenly oversight authority.

I hate scripted apologies. A specific time of year wherever everyone needs to ask everyone else to forgive them at the exact same time.

Aww, isn’t it nice that there’s a time a year where people work to become better people and rectify any social inequities?

No it isn’t.

Every day is a day for personal growth. Interpersonal dynamics deserve more importance than a general “please forgive me” posted to Facebook. This smacks of pleasing a god at a specific time of year who might judge you for some sin on an invisible ledger in the sky.

Oh wait, that’s exactly what’s happening here. You only want to become a better person, to ask for forgiveness from man and god, so that you get another good year to be your mediocre self.

The way I see it, there are four kinds of interpersonal transgressions:

Those that you have forgotten about, or didn’t realize you’ve made, in which case it’s the other person’s duty to remind you.
The one where you remember, but aren’t sure if they have. You’ll need to gently inquire if they are waiting for an apology from you, or if you’ll just be making worse by bringing this up.
The ones where you both know about the issue. Why are you waiting until a specific time in the year to work through this? Go to therapy, do the work, apologize when you’re ready.
The ones where both of you have forgotten. The vast majority of offenses fit into this category. Only god remembers. So why are we even talking?

Then there’s the obsession with actually being forgiven. As if that’s in your control. Asking over and over again, as though groveling has ever brought healing to another person.

All you can control is the apology, specifically the personal growth that should be underlying it.

The behaviors that must speak louder than your words.

Freidom Fighter Profiles a Famous Kiruv Rabbi

In the hyperbolic style of Mishpacha Magazine. Inspired by bullshit like this.

Mild mannered and unassuming, most people looking at Gedalya Halevi Fleagenkrautz would not realize the man is truly one of the biggest leaders of the generation, a gadol who has brought thousands closer to Yiddishkeit.

In the corner, a scrawny looking teenager wearing an Adidas tracksuit and a black velvet kippa balanced precariously atop his gelled hair spikes, hunches over a sefer.

“Just a few weeks ago that boy was doing drugs under a bridge. Now he’s learning tosfos,” beams Rabbi Fleagenkrautz.

“This city didn’t used to have a single shul,” he explains. “Now we have 40 of them, most of them built in converted bomb shelters.”

“You see that man?” points Rabbi Fleagenkrautz. “Years ago he was an officer in the special forces. He fought in the Yom Kippur war, shlom hagalil, and multiple operations. When he finished, he was a well-paid bezeq employee. Now he sits all day in front of a shtender. He traded his physical salary for a spiritual one.”

Rabbi Fleagenkrautz’s key to success his love of all Jews. “When Rabbi Fleagenkrautz talks to you, it feels like someone is really listening,” explains his talmid, Shraga Abulafya. “You realize he’s not doing it for his own interests, he just cares about you. He’s pained by Jews out there who don’t know the beauty of being meticulously careful about discarding their toenail clippings.”

“It’s a sign that something metaphysical is at play here. It’s mamesh a miracle,” says Abulafya, in his signature accent of a Sefardi person trying to imitate an Ashkenazi dialect. “That n sefardi from Morocco get into Beis Shraga? Who would have believed it?!”

“The people who come here are lost. And not only are they lost, they are idealistic,” proclaims Rabbi Fleagenkrautz. “They want to change the world. And I tell them, ‘you want to change the world? Lock yourself in the beis medrash all day. This is the impact the world needs. Solving poverty, disease, and war, all starts with Tosfos’”

What is truly impressive about Rabbi Fleagenkrautz is that he’s not Ashkenazi. And yet, despite this tremendous setback, he’s gone on to be a huge Talmid Chochom. In his youth, he studied under Rabbi Yeruchom Groizenberg of Beis Sharaga, before becoming Rosh Kollel of Heichal Hasimcha in Deal, NJ under the auspices of Elyokim Machluf.

“We truly are winning this war, smiles Fleagenkrautz. We’re decimating the secular way of life. It’s a battle of love, and we’re crushing the enemy one daf gemarah at a time.”

Shmoozing With a Sheigetz: Rabbi Shalom Shore

An interview with Rabbi Shalom Tzvi Shore, spiritual leader of the anti-Kiruv movement. This article is part of a series written by the weekly publication Yated magazine, written in their signature broken English and bad grammar that is a mainstay of Orthodox Jewish culture.

Speaking with Rabbi Shalom Tzvi Shore, you wouldn’t know he was so full of passion.

At least, until he opens his mouth.

Shore, standing near a mixed beach with a goyish haircut and colorful, non-button down shirt.

“Fuck religion,” says Rabbi Shore, biting into a double sized bacon cheeseburger at the local McDonalds where he insisted we meet. (Our reporter refused to enter the premises, so the conversation was held entirely the window of the drive-through, with the reporter sitting in his car).

“I mean, seriously, fuck it.”

Slightly built and short of stature, Shore is the unassuming leader of the anti-Kiruv movement, which is rapidly gaining traction amongst the social outcasts of Orthodox Judaism.

“Growing up, I was always picked on by my classmates,” laughs Shore, a tear flowing down his cheek. “But the joke’s on them now, because I have like, a job and $100 in my bank account. That’s more than any of them can say.”

Shore spent years honing his anti-religious knowledge at the Zilberman’s Yeshiva for Torah Studies and Fighting Arabs, culminating in a prestigious smicha from Hagaon Rav Yitzchak Berkowitz, famous for co-authoring that book on Lashon Horah that you’ve been meaning to start learning.

His favorite year though, was ironically the one he spent at Aish, the legendary Kiruv institution which has made almost as much impact as Rabbi Shore’s anti-Kiruv movement. “I hated that year the least,” reflects Rabbi Shore nostalgically. “I got to play music and speak English.”

A young Rabbi Shore seen deep in study with other Rabbi Shores.

Shore learned a massive amount of Torah during his years in yeshiva, which more than qualifies him to be a leader among men. “What we’re doing here is a movement. It’s a way of life. Every moment of my day I’m just living and breathing ‘how do I get people to leave yiddishkeit’,” regales Shore, breathily. “While I’m brushing my teeth (something secular Jews do to look more like Goyim ~editor) I’m thinking “what if we put up massive posters of non-tznius women on billboards? maybe that will cause more people to go off?’”

Shore breaks off into a dvar Torah, which every interview needs to have (our reporter refused to published a story without a dvar Torah). “The verse says ‘ein od milvado efes zulaso’, there is no one but Him, zero aside from him. Why ‘zero’? why not ‘none’ or ‘naught’ or ‘gurnisht’? It’s clear from this that Moshe Rabeinu knew math. I don’t see why other school kids can’t also learn some math.”

After a divorce that resulted from not studying and applying the marriage advice of Rabbi Shalom Arush, Rabbi Shore decided to severely leave religion instead of accepting that this latest round of suffering was just another Nisayon from Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

“If there’s a God in heaven, I hope a slips on a banana and impales himself on his own dick,” proclaims Rabbi Shore, actively fucking a prostitute while sipping on a bacon flavored milkshake. (Our reporter refused to be present, choosing to have this part of the conversation outside the room, talking through a curtained window)

Shore is consumed by his vision. “I want people to completely lose their identity to this. I want them to have no sense of self, to neglect their families and cut off their friends and drop out of Yeshiva and just completely devote themselves to this mission!” he exclaims, wiping the froth from the corner of his mouth. “You have feelings? You have your own desires, goals and ambitions? I don’t care. And you know who else didn’t care? Hitler.”

When not personally debating the non-existence of God with an impressionable teenager or college student, Shore is working tireless to spread his message around the globe. One of his talmidim, Nechameyer Shmooperklop, is the founder and editor of the website Freidom Fighter, which has become has become known as ‘The Anti-Aish.com’, attracting over 300 visitors a month. And he’s working to establish a network of anti-Kiruv branches around the globe.

“I’ve got, like, five people who regularly message me and are sharing these ideas with others,” explains Shore, injecting some heroin under a bridge as several other ex-Religious Jews look on. “The idea is to create a global movement. If the Kiruv movement is waging a war against assimilation and secular values, well, it’s about time the anti-Kiruv movement went nuclear.”

All that remains is to find a name. “We’re still figuring out a good name for this thing. We thought of maybe Vaser, you know, because it puts out fire.” He giggles.

“We’ve considered Oish. We’ve considered FuckAish.com. We’ve considered ‘O to the D’. I dunno. You’re a writer. Do you have any ideas?”

No Rest for the Wicked

The bible, so full of contradictory statements, is a perfect setting for Rorschach tests.

It’s all just spilled ink on the page.

You see what you want to see.

You want airy fairy hippy shit? You got it.

“Sons you are, to the lord your God.”

You want dogmatic, oppressive, hardline world views? You’ll find it in spades.

“And my rage shall rise up in my nostrils, and I shall destroy you from the face of the earth.”

It’s bipolar, and you get to choose what side of the pendulum you want to be on.

Because you can’t be everything. It is impossible to contain this amount of contradiction. As humans, we never encounter anything this good, and this bad, all in the same being. We are creatures of nuance.

The bible reads like a Grimm’s fairytale or a Roald Dhal story, full of extremes that appeal to four- to eight-year-olds.

But it runs deeper than Rorschach. The blotches don’t just show you where you currently are. They validate this way of being. “Be manic, be flawed, be judgmental and angry. It says so in the bible.”

My mother, endlessly pivoting from one Torah idea to the next, to reflect her current world views of the moment. The latest words of the latest Rabbi. The Guru of the Day.

My father, somehow able to find “balance” between Torah study and saving the Jewish people. Knowing when he can nap, when he can enjoy a whiskey, when it’s time for an hour of study with his learning partner. I’m not sure how he knows when he can do what. I could never tell.

You see what you want to see.

Here’s what I see.

I see “anyone who stops studying to say ‘how beautiful is this tree’ is condemning his life.”

I see “anyone who stops studying and begins to speak idle talk, will get fed everlasting burning embers.”

I see “all who speak frequently with a woman shall inherit hell.”

And so, to this day, I cannot rest.

It’s been eight years since I left religion, and still, my baseline of existence unworthiness. It is woven into the fabric of my being.

Every moment must be earned. My worth must be established anew, ever second. It’s exhausting to re-create yourself continuously, or backslide into the big gaping zero that is your baseline.

Each failure cutting deep, since my starting point is worthlessness.

“I am but dust and ashes.” It’s getting a little catholic in here. And not even Jesu (which I was taught was an acronym for “may his name and his memory be eradicated”) can save me.

Beautiful summer days fill me with guilt. Torn between temptation to step outside, and the felt sense that I am shirking a duty, failing at some cosmic responsibility.

The words of the bible reflect the conditionality of my worth, which comes from home and school, Parents and community. Each build on the other, endlessly reinforcing the reality: you are what you accomplish. You’ll get attention when you get a good grade. We’ll accept you if you do as you’re told.

On top of this, one of the biggest mindfucks that occurred within this oppressive need for constant Torah study, was the pretending that it was enjoyable

Endless simpering verses about “how much I love your guidance, God. All day it is what I speak,” and “your words are more valuable than gold, and sweeter than honey and nectar.”

If I am destined to throw myself into this endless chasm of obligation and minutia, of egg sized portions and fist sized gaps, so be it.

But to attempt to control my mood, how I feel about it, this is the ultimate offense. Endless mindfuckery about how great it all is, how everyone around me must be enjoying it so much, this endless talk of Bulls Who Gore Cows. How if I don’t find pleasure in these arcane words something is clearly wrong with me. I was “a child who runs away from school.”

You’re not even allowed to be sad.

You’re not even allowed to hate it.

Whenever I die, and regardless of what cause, let those verses be my suicide note.

Shit People Teach in the Name of Religion

I recently crowdsourced a list of things people had been told or taught during their stint with Orthodox Judaism. None of these are my own. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

I’ve organized it by topic to make it easier to digest and jump to your favorite topics.

As usual, even within Orthodoxy, there is a spectrum of beliefs, and some would recoil at some of these ideas. But someone out there is teaching this stuff, and it’s pervasive enough that different people, encountering different influences under different circumstances, are noentheless coming away with the same congruent messages that fit the same insane worldviews.

Here is what people have been taught about:

Science

Dinosaurs never existed! Hashem put bones in the ground to test if you’ll follow God & the Rabbis or the science!
Shchita is the most humane way to kill an animal, it causes them no pain at all.
On Shabos you have an extra neshama, thats why you’re more hungry and eat at least twice as much.
You arent allowed to diet on shabos, you don’t gain weight anyway so you can eat whatever you want.
The sun turns red in the morning cuz it passes through the entrance of hell
Eating Kosher is more healthy

Sexuality and Relationships

If you think of a woman with your tefilin on you will go to hell.
It’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it
a woman who wears pants is a sinner
Living together before marriage has a higher statistic for a failed marriage
Every time you jerk off, you are murdreigng your future children. They save your seman in oilam haba. After you die they bring you to a room with all the children who you murdered and they boil you in the large pot of seman.
If you jerk off you go to hell and they put fish hooks in your eyes for looking at improper pictures and fish hooks in your genitals for acting on the lust.
If you have sex with a shiksa you ruin your bris and Avraham Avinu doesnt rescue you from gehenom.
jerking off causes you to have an early death (Kares)
“it’s assur for men to wear earrings because it makes them look like those people who are chayav misa.” [i.e., gay]
“Your family will come around and it will make your relationship with them even better!”
You can’t eat in your parents kitchen anymore, it’s not kosher. They’ll understand and respect your for this.
A woman will make you achieve your goals

Daily Life

Working is for goyim
Retirement is goyishe!
working out is for goyim
Only the goyim play sports, Yidden learn toirah.
Take outsecond and third mortgages to finance your children’s Jewish education
If you make your tzeddeka, you’ll get it all back tenfold
Let your kids run wild and do whatever they want prior to 13 – they are just getting their animal soul out

Emotional Manipulation

Now that we (Rabbis) told you what is right and wrong, if you don’t follow this in the future you are now guilty!
Youre special you came from a fucked up home – Hashem loves you! You’re chosen of all your friends (who came from stable homes)
We should be happy when the rasha dies because at least he can no longer harm his soul with aveiras.
“A husband who doesn’t learn full-time is a bigger rasha than a Get Refuser!”
Your body could be tired, but your brain and neshama want to stay up all night!
But what does Hashem want!
Jews must be oppressed for us to be Good Jews
Who are you to think you know more than the Rabbis
Not making a bracha is stealing from Hashem
You have to beat your son or he won’t fear you
If you’re OCD, orthodoxy is the right religion for you

History

“Your grandparents and great grandparents were all Orthodox!”
It’s the halacha to dress in black and white since all the gedolyim accept the minhag
If it’s not in the Torah, it’s not real
Jews are the only ones who brought morality to the world.
Only our version of Orthodox Judaism is Authentic
Only we have an Authentic Shabbos

Liberalism

Hitler wasnt so basd, he only wanted to kill our bodies but the reform want to kill our neshamas!
What do the “stupid” scientists know
Imagine if Einstein focused his time and energy on Torah and not goyyishe science
You don’t need a secular education
It’s better for a Jew to have a kid with a shiksa than a Reform convert.
Dennis Prager left orthodoxy because he has a huge ego

Non-Jews

“Drop all your non-Jewish friends. They deep down don’t like Jews and you have nothing in common with them”
Goyim are all rapists and murderers
You don’t need to hold by goyishe laws.
come yingeluch, look at the goiyim in the public school yard. Every one of them will become a ganef and a roitzeach. Is that what you want to be like? – How can you send your children to public school? They are all rapists and murderers. Theyll kill your children when they find out theyre Jewish.
Barak Obama is a Nazi Muslim
Hashem created the goyim to serve us as slaves

Share Your Voice

Until now, with a few notable exceptions, Freidom Fighter has been my own writings, opinions, and perspectives. It was born out of that, and for a long time, that was its only purpose, for me to make sense of what had happened to me, through humor, creativity, swearing, and frothing at the mouth.

Over time, an unexpected thing happened, and people started messaging me that they found this site validating, inspiring, cathartic. These messages are incredibly meaningful to me. They add a purpose to all of this that I did not originally intend, they make me feel like I’ve made some sort of impact on other people’s lives, and they provide a sense of meaning to some of what I’ve been through, knowing that in some way, it’s helping others.

In parallel, some of the critics of what I have written about, have denied, diminished, and marginalized these experiences. THey make them sound like extreme or unusual instances, something that just happened to me. They frame things as exceptions, not the rules, incidents that are being taken out of context.

For both these reasons, I want to invite others to share on this site, in the form of guest posts.

could be any format you’d like – a short anecdote, a longer story, a creative spin on a timeless tale of bullshit. It can be anonymous, or it can have your name on it. I do prefer it be about your own 1st person experience or observation.

All this, to give voice to what you’ve been through, if you find others reading it to be validating. And to create a body of testimony against those who seek to diminish the impact that Orthodoxy and Kiruv has wrought upon others.

If I was Aish, I’d make a comment at this point about a spiritual holocaust and remembrance. But I’m not. I’ll let your own human experience remain your own. You make the meaning that you want out of it.

You are welcome to share, or not. The choice is yours.

What a fucking novel idea.

Just email contact@freidomfighter.com to get started.

“Independence”

When I think of Israel.

I think a small group of innovative technologists.

A country full of many smart people, disproportionately packed into a space that’s too small for them.

Amazing Middle Eastern food. Have you ever noticed that less developed countries have better food? Food for thought.

A healthcare system that works impressively well.

And trauma.

Trauma from daily living – the fear of being run over by a bus, or being thrown around like a rag doll in a bus, or packed like a sardine on a bus.

For charging an arm and a leg for shitty housing, your fee for being in a place you didn’t want to be.

For harboring religious fanatics and absolving them of the basic obligations to all children – an education and life without poverty.

Of deep-seated racism for all Middle Easterners, Jewish or otherwise.

For failing to separate church and state.

For being a festering wound of transgenerational trauma where everyone is right and everyone is wrong.

As individuals, most people there are great.

As a collective, they grate against every traumatized fiber of my being. Trauma that was largely their own doing.

I don’t want to ever go back there again.

Sefira, Baby

Rabbi 1: Summer is coming, brace yourself.

Rabbi 2: oy vey, summer? People have way too much fun in the summer

Rabbi 1: Yeah, it happens every year. It’s horrible. All those elbows and beach parties.

Rabbi 2: Whatever shall we do?

Rabbi 1: I know, I know, let’s ban music.

Rabbi 2: Oh yeah, I love that! For the entire summer? What if it’s too much for people to handle?

Rabbi 1: We’ll let them listen for one day. And we’ll also let them light a bonfire at the same time. Get all the vices out at the same time.

Rabbi 2: Nice, how should we make it seem like this rule is all their fault?

Rabbi 1: We’ll tell them it’s because they’re behaving shittily to each other. That gem’s timeless.

Rabbi 2: Ok great! And let’s blame them for disasters that happened hundreds of years ago.

Rabbi 1: Naturally.

Rabbi 2: If only there was a way to make the experience even worse for them? Something that really drives the point home. Pours salt on the wounds that we’ve inflicted.

Rabbi 1: I know, we’ll tell them there is only one kind of music they can listen to.

Rabbi 2: What kind is that?

Rabbi 1: Acapella

You Don’t Get It

When my cousins were in the army, my aunt refused to leave the country. For years, she made sure to stick around just in case something happened to them.

Aside from the level of devotion this demonstrated, which I can only be jealous of, it’s illustrative of something that few Charedi mothers have to deal with.

When my mother would get dressed during my childhood, she’d consider what underwear she was wearing so that if she was caught in a terror attack she’d remain modest on the way to the hospital.

These were the stories my mother would tell at the Shabbat table. Aside from the lovely experience of hearing your mother talk like that as a child, it’s illustrative of what few Americans have to deal with.

So when people blindly encourage Aliyah. When the wave flags in support of Israel. When they remain “staunch advocates for Israel,” hear this: you don’t get it.

My brother lost comrades from his military service. Go explain to someone that their friend got blown up because they were born in Israel, but if they were born in the US they’d be deliberating over which university to go to.

Even my parents, who chose to put themselves through that shit as adults, do not understand.

What it’s like to grow up in Israel as a child, surrounded by constant struggle and strife. Swapping the innocence of your formative of years of your life for trauma. In school, in the army, walking down the street.

And if you don’t get it yourself, if you haven’t done it firsthand, then you are treating others like cannon fodder. Pawns in your own plan.

The freedom, expansiveness, and opportunities available in North America and Europe are unparalleled, despite the many issues that are still prevalent there. They are a rare privilege that many people would cut off their right arm to experience.

To leave that because you are restless, want something more, want to belong, is your prerogative. Go add trauma to the gaping hole in your heart.

To make that other people’s reality, including your children’s, is outside your right.

Americans cheering on Israelis.

Fathers cheering on their sons.

Ba’al Teshuvas cheering on their FFB children.

Don’t push others to places you’ve never gone.

Freidom Fighter – Mockery Will Set you Free