Satire

"Judaism is not all or nothing," they preached at Aish Essentials. "Do what you can, God appreciates it all, every bit counts. Except, word on the street was that when you entered Intermediate I, Motty Berger had a class where he explained that it was all or nothing. Sorry, we...

The Bible: And every seven years, leave your land fallow and do not farm it. And I promise I shall give you such blessing on the sixth year that it will suffice you for the the sixth, seventh and eighth years. For I am the lord God, and I...

I originally wrote this post while I was still religious, and published it under a pseudonym on Jewrotica. At this point, gentlemen, I have nothing to hide. Berel Shtiklwitz was an entrepreneur. A social entrepreneur, to be exact. He recognized a need: a lot of seminary girls out there were horny but...

From the creators of the Dvar Torah generator, comes the brand new Ancient Jewish Holiday Generator! For years, Jews have been inventing holidays in God's name and backdating them into the very fabric of history. With mystical significance and a shitload of intricate rules, Jewish holidays stand unto themselves as...

On Purim, they almost killed us, but in the end they didn’t, we killed 75,000 of them instead.  And these weren’t normal enemies, mind you. These were descendants of Amalek, whom we are commanded to kill every last man woman and child of. You can’t cure an Amalekite baby of...

Fear. It was the name of the entire minority. There are Blacks, there are Hispanics, there are “The fearful ones”. Like the shittiest gang name ever. They looked around at a country full of Jews, established to protect themselves in an anti-Semitic world, and decided to become a minority in a country...

Blessed art thou God, who gave the rooster knowledge to differentiate between day and night Every morning, the wakeup ritual was the same. Someone would drag a boom box into the dormitory hallway, and crank out the same Miami Boys song as loudly as they could. “I am grateful to...

In 1946, following the holocaust, a highly unusual event occurred, one that involved, for the first time in history, the unification of different sects of Judaism. Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform rabbis met together at Steglitz-Zehlendorf in West Berlin; the conference later became known as the Steglitz-Zehlendorf Conference. The pressing topic...

“You know what Olam Habah is?” Explains the Slonimer Rebbe. “Olam Habah is the entire earth covered in dump trucks full of gold. And then stack them on top of each other until you reach the sky.” That’s a fuckton of gold. Go get some. -- “Love me, daddy,” says Michael Friedberg, deftly...

“On Rosh Hashanah, we pray to be inscribed in the book of life,” explains Rabbi Feigenkrantz. “On Yom Kippur, Hashem seals the deal.” It was a very narrow window of opportunity that affected the rest of the year, so try to stay inspired. Don’t fuck this up, ok? Rabbi Feigenkrantz...